originally published April 22, 2014
Yesterday’s article began with Bernie Madoff’s 150-year prison sentence and proceeded to climb up the ranks in search of the longest term of incarceration ever handed down by an earth-bound court (for the purposes of consistency I’m ignoring the Kryptonian sentence of General Zod and those other two inside that space-launched spinning square. Though I have to wonder, why did they fire off that square thing on virtually the same trajectory as Jor-El would use to deliver his infant son to earth? It’s infinite space – any other direction would have ensured their paths would never have crossed. Just sayin’).
I topped out at Darron Bennalford Anderson’s 11,250 year sentence for being a horrific blight on human-kind in 1994, and somehow I still have a kilograph’s worth of even longer sentences. We have already covered Ariel Castro’s unfathomably evil forced imprisonment, rape and torture of three women for an entire decade – what unconscionable wickedness could have been perpetrated by someone to have landed them behind bars for a term longer than civilized history?
I’m glad I asked. There are some twisted souls on this list.
If this guy offered you a job, you’d be wise to turn it down. This is Juan Corona, also known as the Machete Murderer. Nothing vague about that title. Juan was a serial murderer, one whose targets were itinerant workers – usually Mexican, like himself – who had shown up in Sutter County to earn some money on the local fruit ranches. In 1962 Juan was finding work as a labor contractor, organizing the hiring of workers for the ranches in the area. He suffered from schizophrenia and a violent temper, but his employers only saw Juan’s hard-working side.
Unfortunately, at least 25 of those laborers saw another side of Juan, specifically the sharp side of his machete. Juan was not a brilliant criminal. Many of the bodies were uncovered in shallow graves around the Sullivan Ranch bunkhouse where Juan’s workers would stay. Receipts and bank deposit slips with Juan’s name and/or signature were found inside the graves. He avoided the death penalty, as it had been outlawed in California seven months prior to the start of his trial. But he did receive one life sentence for each of his confirmed victims: that’s 25 lifetimes behind bars.
Bobbie Joe Long is the reason that I recommend to any sellers on kijiji or Craigslist that they answer the door with a broadsword sheathed around their waist (at least). Long is known as the Classified Ad Rapist. His modus operandi was to answer classified ads in the Penny Saver in Long Beach, California, and upon finding a woman at home alone he would rape and rob her. The sad part of this is that he actually got away with all of those crimes.
Then he moved to Tampa. There he began adding homicide to his game-plan, which singlehandedly spiked the local crime rate. No longer hunting through the local paper, Long would cruise local bars for lonely women he could destroy. At least ten victims are confirmed to have perished by Long’s gruesome cruelty between March and November of 1984, earning him 28 life sentences, plus 99 years, plus one death sentence.
I’m not sure if the plan is to execute Long after he’s served the rest of his time. It might be moot by then.
I can’t find a decent photo of this piece of human filth, so we’ll just let this cartoon tell the tale of Dudley Wayne Kyzer. On Halloween in 1976, in the town of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Kyzer brutally murdered his estranged wife, her mother, and a college kid who happened to be in the wrong place. He was sentenced to a life sentence for each of the killings, but because the judge wanted to emphasize just how twisted this poop-pretzel of a man truly was, he tacked on an additional 10,000 years.
Somehow – and this is where my understanding of the intricacies of the criminal justice system really falls flat – Kyzer was eligible for parole in 2004. He was denied that ticket back into society, but good news for Dudley… he will be up for parole once more in 2015. Let’s hope the parole board doesn’t decide to round that sentence down.
Remember Darron Bennalford Anderson, the guy who topped out yesterday’s list with a 2200-year sentence that was upped to 11,250 years after he appealed? He had an accomplice named Allan Wayne McLaurin. I don’t know what Allan did to merit a harsher sentence out of the gate (or why he’s considered to be Darron’s accomplice and not the other way around), but he was sentenced to 21,250 years for his part in the crimes. His appeal actually resulted in a reduction in the sentence though, so that’s good news for Allan. The judge knocked 500 years off the sentence, leaving him with only 20,750 to serve.
Again, I’m lacking a proper photo of this guy, so instead I’m offering a picture of literal scum. In the case of Charles Scott Robinson, this is fairly apt. Robinson makes me hope that those tales of child rapists getting savagely beaten on a regular basis in prison are true. Robinson was found guilty of six counts of diddling a child, which probably means (though of course I cannot prove it, but come on…) he got away with even more. The judge decided 5000 years per crime was a fair punishment, landing Robinson at the top of the list for American criminals with a whopping 30,000 years to think about the horrors he spilled upon humanity. Fuck that guy.
Ah, Chamoy. This lady is sitting in the coveted pages of the Guinness World Record book for the longest prison sentence ever handed down. Yes, Chamoy Thipyaso is a she – and while she dabbled in Bernie Madoff’s wheelhouse with a pyramid scheme designed to defraud a mass of investors, she only snagged about 250-300 million Euros, a pitiful heap of pocket-change on Madoff’s dresser. But she was arrested in Thailand, and I guess to them a 150 year lockup doesn’t send quite the right message. Chamoy and her cronies were each ordered to remain in prison for 141,078 years.
The lesson here: don’t fuck with Thailand.
There’s also the bonus story of Gabriel March Granados, the Spanish postman whose crime was a failure to deliver over 42,000 letters in the course of his duties. The prosecution requested a sentence of 384,911 years, or about nine years per undelivered letter. He only got 14 years, 2 months.
It’s almost a shame. To have the record broken by a lazy postman would make for an interesting commentary on our species’ priorities wouldn’t it?
1000 Albums, 1000 Dates 