Day 85: A Post St. Patrick’s Day Drunken Crime Spree

originally published March 25, 2012 It’s Sunday morning. St. Patrick’s Day was just over a week ago. You got drunk, sure, maybe to the point where you vomited, maybe even upon someone’s lap. But you didn’t really take advantage of the spirit of the holiday. You didn’t get arrested. You didn’t really commit an affray. […]

Day 73: Crazy Uncle Dave’s Temperance Letter

originally published March 13, 2012 Dear Marty, As your “crazy hip uncle”, I feel that I should reach out to you. You are at a crucial age, one where you’ll be faced with a lot of choices about how to live your life. Some of those choices may offer you a better path than others. […]

Day 64: “Hail Capua!” – An Excerpt From My New Musical About 9th Century Italy

originally published March 4, 2012 The scene: the Bridge of Teodemondo, over the Volturno River. The year: 859. The cast: Lando I, the Count of Capua; Lando II, his eldest son, general of the Capuan army; Peter, the youngest son of Lando I. They are waiting in a tower overlooking the bridge, where a battle […]

Day 58: The 1715 Jacobite Uprising, As Taught By An Awkward Substitute History Teacher Who Tries Too Hard

originally published February 27, 2012 Yo. My name is Mr. Leppswig, and I’ll be your substitute teacher today. Your teacher, Mrs. Griffle, asked me to lay it down for you all about the 1715 Jacobite Uprising in Great Britain. Will you pick it up? Alright, take out your notebooks. Last week you learned about the […]

Day 44: A Graduation Speech In Only 150 Idioms

originally published February 13, 2012 (this entire speech was cribbed from this Wikipedia page) Hello, graduates. The powers that be would bet dollars to donuts that your experience at the University of Life will supersede your time spent within these hallowed halls. Allow me to impart my two cents on the twiddly bits of life. […]

Day 31: I Am The Subservient Chicken

originally published January 31, 2012 I am the Subservient Chicken. I was born in Boston to a group of polite louts called the Barbarian Group. They had created something called the ‘Beer Cannon’ for a strange malodorous sludge called Milwaukee’s Best, and then they created me. I was bred to do a job. I do […]

Day 20: Wikipedia Presents A Thousand Words In Haiku

originally published January 20, 2012 Yesterday I wrote an article using my iPhone as a research tool, as Wikipedia’s mobile app was the only facet of its English site that I could access. I’ll come right out and say it – it wasn’t easy. In honor of Wiki’s return to form today, I’m going to […]