Day 427: Fifty Shades Of Greyamundo

originally published March 2, 2013 As am sure every one of you is aware, the final Twilight movie is released today on DVD, Blu-Ray, and limited-release Betamax Double-Tape Super-Pak. No doubt fans of sparkling vampire literature and cinema will now look elsewhere for cultural consumption, perhaps to the inevitable film adaptation of Fifty Shades Of […]

Day 420: The 420-Characters Project

originally published February 23, 2013 A funny thing happened on my way to this article. I had a topic picked out months ago – one I’m as positive as a rum-soaked, middle-age mind can be that I’d found on the shelf of my muse, Ms. Wikipedia. Alas, this volume appears to be no more. I […]

Day 415: Happy Pretend Presidents Day

originally published February 18, 2013 As I crawled out from under my overturned sofa cushions, pushing away the vacant pizza boxes that littered my living room floor like a ghost town that once housed a thriving populace of Italian sausage and thinly-sliced peppers, it dawned on me that I don’t have to call in fake-sick […]

Day 395: The World’s Pushiest Molybdenum Salesman

originally published January 29, 2013 Whether you’re a weekend hobbyist looking to forge your own stainless steel in your backyard foundry, or a professional seeking to cut down on your tungsten usage, you’ll want to head down to Mad Mel’s Molyb Den today and check out our deals! Mad Mel’s is your one-stop molybdenum superstore, […]

Day 377: My Story Pitches For The Upcoming Hungry Hungry Hippos Movie

originally published January 11, 2013 Back in October, a news item plopped onto my desk like a sack of wet rubber thimbles. Perhaps you remember it. Hasbro, the toy company behind Nerf, Play-Doh and Catchphrase, announced that their film division, which runs out of a tiny yet surprisingly whimsical windowless office on the Universal Pictures […]

Day 376: Quince-Brogels’s Lost Operas

originally published January 10, 2013 We are extremely fortunate to have acquired the private journals of Elias Quince-Brogels, the noted early 20th-century composer of such memorable operas as Tessitura di Spinach and Luogo’s Serenade To His Coffee Table. And while some of the journals allow us a tremendous insight into the man himself (it seems […]

Day 374: Today’s Bizarrely Specific Horoscope – January 8

originally published January 8, 2013 Good morning, children of the star-spooged cosmos. How are you? It’s okay, it’s okay. Madame Chakra-Lubowitz knows how you are. It’s her job to know how you are. It’s also her job to tell you how you shall be. And you shall be well. Most of you, anyway. Some of […]

Day 373: Advanced Sex Ed, Taught By A Last-Minute Alternate Teacher The Day Before He Got Fired

originally published January 7, 2013 Alright everyone, settle down in your desks. You’re probably wondering why I’m here teaching you today. Well, Mr. Villanova booked the rest of the morning off for the Estonian Amputee Pride parade. No, those are all his own limbs; he’s just driving one of the floats, I think. Anyway, as […]

Day 369: Greetings, Conqueror!

originally published January 3, 2013 Congratulations! You just discovered a brand new island, enslaved its native peoples, and now you’re set to start your very own country! The first thing you need to do is pick out a system of government that will maximize your new nation’s wealth, support its security, and best serve its […]

Day 367: The Happy Rockin’ New Year’s Day Quiz

originally published January 1, 2013 It’s New Year’s Day, and that means forsaking actual research in lieu of a Holiday Quiz. For me, it’s a big jump forward. I can no longer Google “What Day Of The Year Is It” in order to make sure my article numbering is correct; now I have to do […]