Day 649: Looking For That Lucky Number

originally published October 10, 2013 For the record, should anyone feel to compelled to keep such statements in some sort of record, I do not believe I will ever win the lottery. I say this with the utmost confidence and a wry awareness that the universe has gone out of its way to prove me […]

Day 628: Heads, Tails, Noses And Lizards

originally published September 19, 2013 Another day, another thousand words. But what to write about? I’ve got a few ideas lurking in my patented idea slop-bucket, but how do I know which is the right one to scoop into today’s word-trough? I could flip a coin, roll some dice, maybe pin the ideas to a […]

Day 627: The Day The Blipping, Bleeping Music Died

originally published September 18, 2013 In my lifetime I have been fortunate enough to witness the birth and subsequent collapse of a handful of markets. I watched the dot-com bubble explode from my own safe little corner of the internet (no, not only on porn sites, but thank you for thinking so highly of me). […]

Day 619: Cornhole – Play It Where The Sun Shines

originally published September 10, 2013 Good news, everyone! Winter isn’t here! There’s still time to get out there in the glorious sunny weather, down a few drinks and throw something in your cornhole. Did that sound dirty? Surely there was no way I’d write 618 consecutive days’ worth of clean, family-friendly comedy appropriate for reading […]

Day 599: All About Exes And Ohs

originally published August 21, 2013 Back in the 1980’s, we learned that the game of Tic-Tac-Toe has the ability to disable the United States government’s most powerful military computer system. Matthew Broderick taught us this, years before he educated us all about the benefits of truancy, auto theft, dishonesty, and impersonating a sausage king. In […]

Day 577: Uncle Pennybags’ Wild Ride

originally published July 30, 2013 At this stage in my adult life, when heading out to the bar requires a much higher douche-bag resistance quotient than I personally possess, not to mention an unfathomable tolerance for mediocre music and overpriced beer, I tend to pursue more sedentary party options. My wife and I occasionally indulge […]

Day 522: The Battle Scars Of Action Park

originally published June 5, 2013 Anyone over the age of thirty probably has the ability to look back upon the playgrounds, waterparks and amusement parks of their youth and remember how incredibly easy it once was to spill a little blood, or break a bone or two in the name of fun. I remember a […]

Day 519: Shaq Fu & Other Ridiculous Celebrity-Endorsed Video Games

originally published June 2, 2013 If you’re a struggling video game developer, looking for some kind of hook to propel you into the elite ranks of… of various elite video game developers (sorry, no names come to mind here), there’s a simple answer. Find yourself a celebrity who’s willing to slap their name on your […]

Day 512: Calculators… Made From Human Flesh!!!

originally published May 26, 2013 In my household, my memory skills are legendary. I can pull an entire scene of dialog from Star Wars and perform it between our salt and pepper shakers, while my wife watches in awe, questioning her choice of mate. A couple months ago, my fingers successfully air-guitared the entire solo of Phillip […]

Day 428: Beast-Battling For Sport

originally published March 3, 2013 If you’re an animal lover with a weak stomach, you may want to skip this article. We at 1000-Words Industries do not endorse, nor can we completely comprehend the events described herein. I suppose in the days before Reddit and Twitter, before Quantum Leap, Gunsmoke and One Day At A […]