originally published June 18, 2014
“What are you going to do for Day 900?”
People have been stopping me on the streets and demanding this information for weeks now. Pretend people, sure, but then they’ve also been on pretend streets so that cancels out the white lie. Anyway, the answer is “pizza” because I just ate some pizza and I don’t really feel like flexing my imagination today. Also, I will incorporate the titles of every song to hit #1 on the Billboard charts in the 1990s. Yes, all of them.
After recently imbibing a cigarette of curious origin, a man (MAC) and his wife (JEAN) call up their regular pizza guy (LOU) in hopes of ordering something that will conquer their suddenly mighty hunger.
MAC: Hey Lou, it’s Mac. I’m hungry. Again.
LOU: Mac! A-rain-a, or a-shine-a, you truly, madly deeply love-a your pizza!
MAC: What… are you doing some sort of accent now? You trying to freak me out?
LOU: Heh. For me this is the first night back at work, one week after I dropped on bended knee to propose to my dreamlover. I’m just full of good vibrations and warm emotions, my friend!
MAC: Ah, the mighty power of love. No offense, but every creep takes a joyride with the right girl eventually, then boom! You’re in love.
LOU: This is a good thing though!
MAC: I don’t have the heart to tell you the truth, Lou. Sure, your vision of love is unbelievable today. She wants to be with you and she’s your fantasy. Right. But have you ever really loved a woman, Lou?
LOU: I swear, as water falls from the sky, I don’t have to justify my love to you, Mac. I feel more than words about her. Everything I do, I do for you-know-who.
MAC: Sure, sure. It’s the promise of a new day today. But someday she’ll find you weak. She’ll yell, “Jump!” and you’ll be expected to say “I’ll be there!” That’s the way love goes, Lou. Then she’ll be all like “But I’m your angel!” and you’ll fall for it the first time, maybe the second. You’ll be together again, but only because she will hypnotize you.
LOU: Mac, I adore me amor. I believe she’s no unpretty heartbreaker. She’s an angel of mine, Mac. I don’t want to cry about the end of the road.
MAC: This used to be my playground, Lou. That’s all I’m saying. When a man loves a woman, he does it all 4 love – he can’t help falling in love. But love is a gangsta’s paradise. One sweet day you’re her genie in a bottle, the next she’ll say you’re too close. And you’ll wish you were still her candle in the wind. 97 times I’ve lived through this, I’m telling you..
LOU: I wanna believe you have my best interests at heart because you loved me my friend, but please release me from this black velvet escapade of negativity. Love takes time.
MAC: You’re just set adrift on memory bliss, my friend.
LOU: What does that even mean?
MAC: I don’t know. Had to shoehorn that one in.
At this point, JEAN picks up another extension – yes, she and MAC still have a land-line.
JEAN: Hold on, Mac. I don’t want to miss a thing about this conversation.
MAC: Uh-oh. Here comes the hotstepper.
JEAN: It must have been love blinding me all these years. I’ve been thinking about your words, and I’m starting to think that I’m too sexy to be with you.
MAC: Baby, baby… don’t say that. I can’t live without your love and affection! I’m your baby tonight and every night – you’ll always be my baby! I was just – ”
JEAN: Just begging for 4 seasons of loneliness?
MAC: No! Let me explain, baby, one more time.
JEAN: Shut up. I’m gonna make you sweat for a little bit before I give you one more try. Look Mac, I will always love you, but it sounds like Lou is at tha crossroads of his life. He’s not looking to be livin’ la vida loca, or to be gettin’ jiggy wit it – he wants to take it nice and slow.
LOU: All my life I’ve waited for someone to be my all.
JEAN: I know, honey. You are not alone in that. But for those of us who are romantic, this is how we do it: all for love, right?
MAC: Baby, you’re makin’ me high with all this romance talk. Something about the way you look tonight has me all hot. I’ll make love to you if you want. We can even invite Lou! How do u want it? A little… California love? Let’s let it flow.
JEAN: I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I’m outa here until you can un-break my heart.
MAC: <snorts> I’ll be missing you, but my heart will go on.
JEAN: Seriously? Have you ever considered how much opposites attract? Love will lead you back to me and I’ll be your everything – just wait.
MAC: How am I supposed to live without you? Come on, baby. You’re my black cat! Nothing compares 2 u, and I’m not just saying that because your hairstyle is in vogue.
LOU: Stop fighting, you two! I’m praying for time like you have together; if wishes came true, I’d live in a whole new world just like yours. Can’t nobody hold me down from that dream.
MAC: <sighs> He’s right. I’m sorry Jean. Lately I’ve been distracted by bills, bills, bills, but if you had my love for a second you’ve had it for a lifetime. Please stay. I missed you when you were gone last week.
LOU: She was gone?
MAC: Yeah, my baby got back from Phoenix just yesterday. How do you talk to an angel across the country with no decent long distance plan?
JEAN: <giggles> The boy is mine, no question, all the man that I need. Because I love you, I’ll forgive you.
LOU: So… I like the way you guys banter, but do you guys want to order a pizza? Don’t let the sun go down on me – we’re closing at dusk today.
MAC: Sure thing, we’ll get to it before the sign says you’re closed. Whew! Time to exhale – shoop shoop some pepperoni on that baby.
LOU: Got it. We’re using a new brand of pepperoni – it’s incredible.
MAC: Mmm. Bop a little extra on there then.
JEAN: My love will never do without banana peppers.
MAC: Damn right!
LOU: We can do that. We slice them extra thin…
MAC: You don’t need to take me through it step by step.
LOU: Sorry, just being a helpful informer.
MAC: Oh, and no diggity and no scrubs please.
LOU: No… what?
MAC: That’s street-slang for onions and anchovies. You don’t know those?
JEAN: Oooh, and some of that smooth, wild, wild west hot sauce!
LOU: Done. Do you want the usual cups of large sprite?
MAC: With extra ice. Ice, baby. That’s what makes Sprite great.
JEAN: And a hero sandwich for lunch tomorrow. Damn, I need to roll up another one.
MAC: Yeah, we could use a good blaze of glory before the food arrives. Ooh! And I thought I’d save the best for last. Two black or white cookies, Lou!
LOU: They’re black and white. Your total is $49.96.
JEAN: Ugh. That’s a lot. Mo’ money, mo’ problems – we don’t have that much on hand.
MAC: Yeah, forget the cookies. But two coffees, both with cream.
LOU: Tell you what – I’ll throw in a kiss from a Rose. Rose is our assistant manager – she bought a big bag of Hershey’s Kisses and I’ll throw one in for each of you.
JEAN: You’re the best!
MAC: I feel really close to you, Lou. Can I give you one last piece of advice?
LOU: Bailamos. That’s Spanish or something for “we dance”. So by that I mean ‘yes’.
MAC: Don’t rush rush when you’re doing the ol’ bump ‘n grind. If you’re coming out of the dark – meaning you leave the lights on – you should take it slow and take a bow. If she doesn’t appreciate your tenderness, she ain’t worth it.
LOU: Got it. Thanks.
MAC: Hey – do that accent for Jean. Doo wop, that thing you did when you answered the phone.
LOU: You’ll-a get your-a pizza in twenty-a minutes!
JEAN: You guys are both idiots.