originally published March 10, 2014
Some days it’s not easy to drag my sinewy carcass in front of this computer to punch a thousand words in the throat. Some days it’s easier to drown my brain cells in daytime TV, in mindless games or between the sprocket holes of a good movie.
I’m having one of those days.
As such, rather than invent a kilograph of crisp and colorful original content, I’m instead going to do what all noble half-ass inventors do: I’ll take someone else’s hard work and put a clock in it or something to make it my own.
I thought I might review the top 100 films of all time, according to the IMDb top 250 list (which changes periodically, so it might not match up with my list anymore). But while 100 ten-word reviews would propel me to my daily requirement, it would end up with me writing a bunch of variations on “it rocks!”. No fun.
Instead, I’ll be more productive with my time. Here are my ten-word suggestions on how each of these films could be improved for modern audiences. We all know modern crowds are clearly more discriminating and sophisticated, as evidenced by both of Tyler Perry’s 2013 releases generating more box office revenue than 12 Years A Slave.
100. A Separation – More forehead cleavage. Iranian films really chintz out on this.
99. For A Few Dollars More – Mouth CGI so it doesn’t look like rotten dub job.
98. The Third Man – More Orson Welles in the sewer; people love that shit.
97. Some Like It Hot – Tony Curtis had a great rack. What, no full frontal?
96. The Apartment – C.C. Baxter sets up webcam; Mr. Sheldrake becomes online sensation.
95. L.A. Confidential – Explicit DeVito-Bassinger sex scene; people would pay for that.
94. Snatch – More of Dennis Farina calling people “you big, bald fuck.”
93. Rashomon – So damn violent. Make it a comedy. With CGI puppets.
92. The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre – No more teasing; let’s see those stinkin’ badges already, dammit.
91. All About Eve – Seatbelts fastened. Let’s see entire bumpy night in a montage.
90. Amadeus – Where is Falco? “Rock Me Amadeus” should be Salieri’s masterpiece
89. Monty Python And the Holy Grail – Cut off “Just A Flesh-wound” knight’s dink. Castration is hilarious!
88. The Sting – Re-write so it’s about giant bee. Paul Newman vs. bee.
87. Bicycle Thieves – Search for stolen bike more dramatic if Ricci has bazooka.
86. Singin’ In The Rain – Angry mob turns on Lina Lamont; pitchforks, torches and truncheons.
85. Full Metal Jacket – Allow Lee Ermey to berate troops for additional 45 minutes.
84. Witness For The Prosecution – Noted barrister Sir Wilfrid Robarts always carries spatula. Never explained.
83. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind – Kirsten Dunst dances on bed in panties. Roll the credits.
82. Grave Of The Fireflies – Never seen it. Title’s a bit of a downer though.
81. Braveheart – William Wallace battles his ex and army of gay Jews.
80. Lawrence Of Arabia – Camels revealed to be Decepticons. Peter O’Toole secretly Optimus Prime.
79. Return Of The Jedi – Give us back original Ewok victory song. Lose the “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”
78. Once Upon A Time In America – De Niro’s nickname is ‘Noodles’; why not give him noodle wig?
77. Requiem For A Dream – Less drug use, more depraved sex to get the drugs.
76. The Wolf Of Wall Street – If Jonah’s prosthetic schlong is longer, he wins the Oscar.
75. Reservoir Dogs – “Leaving tip” conversation poignant as Madsen snips off cop’s penis.
74. Princess Mononoke – Remake it without animation, with Jim Carrey playing all roles.
73. To Kill A Mockingbird – Five minute scene of Boo Radley eating cereal. No music.
72. Oldboy – Talking babies act as Greek chorus throughout the entire picture.
71. Double Indemnity – MacMurray / Robinson death match in quiet insurance office for climax.
70. A Clockwork Orange – BOINGG! and trumpet wah-wah-WAHHHH sound effects throughout the rape scene.
69. Taxi Driver – Dennis Farina shows up, calls Travis a “big, bald fuck.”
68. Das Boot – Laugh track creates surreal, yet inappropriate sense of disturbing claustrophobia.
67. M – Peter Lorre’s shrieking confession critiqued by Muppets Statler and Waldorf.
66. Vertigo – Instead of heights, why not a fear of angry crocodiles?
65. Toy Story 3 – Alternate, fiery ending for gritty, morbid reboot. Only Slink survives.
64. Aliens – Superfluous pillow fight before Alien starts offing various team members.
63. Citizen Kane – Auto-tune everything Charles Foster Kane says. Is he robot? Maybe!
62. Amélie – Amelie’s pranks on shopkeeper include making him swallow live squirrels.
61. The Lion King – As Mufasa is trampled to death, he cries out, “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
60. WALL-E – WALL-E and Eve both voiced by Gilbert Gottfried on helium.
59. North By Northwest – Final battle on Mount Rushmore: giant president heads come alive!
58. American Beauty – More of Lester spanking little-Lester in the shower. Woo!
57. Paths Of Glory – WWI gritty mutiny story? Why isn’t this a damn musical?!
56. Cinema Paradiso – Entire movie re-done as one-man Carrot Top prop comedy piece.
55. The Shining – Re-told from perspective of fellatio-giving creature and old dude.
54. The Great Dictator – Barber-Chaplin calls dictator-Chaplin a “big, bald fuck.” (Farina-ed!)
53. The Prestige – Batman battles Wolverine while Bowie sings 2-hour-long “Modern Love”.
52. The Lives Of Others – Director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s credit lingers longer on screen.
51. Django Unchained – Actual Australian accent dubbed over Tarantino’s lines. Dear god, please.
50. Alien – Alien pops out of stomach, becomes Kuato from Total Recall.
49. The Dark Knight Rises – Football field collapses; Gotham Wildcats were playing New England Patriots.
48. Back To The Future – In new timeline, Marty’s brother Dave has a neck tattoo.
47. Gladiator – Instead of death battles, Commodus wants to watch a dance-off.
46. The Departed – Not enough of the principle cast died. Kill ‘em all!
45. The Green Mile – Changed to The Green Kilometer; immediately, more world-wide interest.
44. The Pianist – After horrible Holocaust ordeal, Szpillman invents keytar, hailed a hero.
43. Apocalypse Now – Willard and Kurtz bond over love of delicious papaya sorbet.
42. Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love the Bomb – So-called ‘doomsday device’ impurifies our precious bodily fluids with stank.
41. Sunset Blvd. – Gillis only faked death to get away from Norma’s bullshit.
40. Modern Times – Paulette Goddard rollerskating. Drop everything else, movie is top ten.
39. Terminator 2: Judgment Day – Product placement effort replaces all guns with Pepperidge Farm sausages.
38. The Intouchables – Different movie, but drop in Sean Connery’s “Chicago way” speech.
37. Memento – Forward / backward sequences augmented with sideways / diagonal / alphabetical / perpendicular sequences.
36. Spirited Away – Entire score replaced with remixes of Cypress Hill’s “Jump Around.”
35. Saving Private Ryan – Instead of WWII, Grenada. Less violence and more Kenny Loggins!
34. City Lights – Kindly drunken old guy weds Tramp; gay-marriage landmark film.
33. Psycho – Norman Bates’ mother revealed to be his time-travelling granddaughter.
32. American History X – That curb-stomping scene accompanied by jaunty Benny Hill music.
31. Rear Window – Newlywed couple gets into some kinky shit; Jeff closes curtains.
30. Life Is Beautiful – Guido tells Joshua to “keep Aush-wits about you”; guilty laughter.
29. Raiders Of The Lost Ark – Melted Germans’ goo forms into T-1000; explosion-heavy battle ensues.
28. Casablanca – Ugarte returns as zombie; Rick kills him with Ferrari’s fez.
27. Léon: The Professional – Twist ending: Mathilda revealed to be Danny Aiello in drag.
26. It’s A Wonderful Life – George says, “Okay, what if Potter was never born instead?”
25. The Silence Of The Lambs – Hannibal Lecter revealed to be huge Rick James fan / historian.
24. Once Upon A Time In The West – Narrated by an omnipresent animated Mr. Peanut, voiced by Cher.
23. The Usual Suspects – Keyser Soze revealed to be obnoxious Geico lizard all along.
22. Se7en – There are also some delicious assorted chocolates in the box.
21. City Of God – Rocket bites head off live chicken; immediately made crime boss.
20. Seven Samurai – Kid joins gang, things get goofy: 7 ½ Samurai! Winning!
19. The Matrix – Spoon files defamation lawsuit against Morpheus, claiming existence. Courtroom drama.
18. Star Wars – Luke yells, “What’s that flashing?!?!” Han calls him little bitch.
17. Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers – Without explanation, middle film in trilogy played out in Claymation.
16. Goodfellas – Story extends further; Henry Hill as drunken Howard Stern caller.
15. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest – Martini, Taber escape, open Sunshine Cab Company in New York.
14. Forrest Gump – Forrest accidentally invents disco, Calvinball, methamphetamine, cupcakes and Angry Birds.
13. Inception – Pornographic remake: wet dream within a wet dream within (etc)
12. The Empire Strikes Back – Luke channels Dennis Farina’s ghost; calls Yoda “big, bald fuck.”
11. Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring – Frodo changes his mind, spends trilogy extolling ‘second breakfast’ habit.
10. Fight Club – Meatloaf’s ample man-boobs also revealed to be Tyler Durden.
9. Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King – Sauron revealed to be both Keyser Soze and Tyler Durden.
8. 12 Angry Men – Jack Klugman leads jurors into rousing and inspiring Bollywood number.
7. Schindler’s List – Entire film re-staged on ice skates; still sad – more glitz!
6. The Good, The Bad And The Ugly – Two extra characters, The Malodorous and The Morally Ambiguous, added.
5. Pulp Fiction – Whoops! There was a sign on Jimmie’s lawn after all.
4. The Dark Knight – Great movie, but the Batman suit needed its nipples back.
3. The Godfather: Part II – Bruno Kirby gives Vito a wagon-wheel coffee table as gift.
2. The Godfather – Sonny turns around to pick up exact change, avoids death.
1. The Shawshank Redemption – Reshoot entire film; all the same but everyone has mustaches.
That’s it. Apologies to all who may have been offended, and a hearty congratulations to anyone who caught the When Harry Met Sally joke in #3. It was all I could think of.
1000 Albums, 1000 Dates 