originally published February 3, 2013

Introducing the stars of my next one hundred days. Though they’ll eventually adopt stories of their own over the next three months and eleven days, I thought it would be a good time for me to get to know who they are. So here, I present to you The 400’s in order of appearance:

  • 400: Baseball fans know that batting .400 in a season is a tremendous accomplishment. In fact, no one has pulled it off since Ted Williams of the Boston Red Sox in 1941.
  • 401: Formula 401 is the only man-seed product personally endorsed by (and containing) Stephen Colbert.
  • 402: Area code for Nebraska, where Arbor Day was invented. Nebraskans love their trees.
  • 403: The name of a retirement plan in the US – the 403(b). That’s the preferred plan for working hipsters who are too cool for a 401(k).
  • 404: Not found.
  • 405: If you log on to a webpage and see this HTTP error, it stands for “method not allowed”. I think that’s for when you’re trying to type the address with your elbows or something.
  • 406: The name of poem by Irish poet John Boyle O’Reilly. Apparently that was his prison cell number, as well as his first hotel room number when he visited the US. Trippy.
  • 407: This is a narcissistic number. Seriously, math-heads define that as a number that is equal to the sum of its own digits each raised to the power of its number of digits. So, with three digits, you would add 43+03+73, or 64+0+343, which equals 407. Someone actually bothered to figure this out.
  • 408: A Pell number. I’d explain what this means, but fuck it, I just did a whole math thing.
  • 409: The B-side to the Beach Boys’ “Surfin’ Safari” is a song called “409”. It’s about a car of course, which had a 11.25:1 compression and a solid lifter camshaft. I love how the internet can make me sound like I know about stuff.
  • 410: The area code for Baltimore. Its presence here should not count as an endorsement of the Ravens today. But what the hell, here’s a picture of Ray Lewis:
  • 411: Since the 90’s, this is slang for gossip. I have never used this expression, because I’m still stuck on saying, “What’s the skinny, cotton-jinny?”
  • 412: The sum of twelve consecutive prime numbers, from 13 to 59. Don’t believe me? Add it up. (you won’t)
  • 413: HTTP status code for “Request Entity Too Large”. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that at the end of a date…
  • 414: The 414s are a hacker group from Wisconsin who caused $1500 worth of damage when they deleted billing records at Sloan-Kettering in 1983. That’s some hard-core hacking.
  • 415: If you’re big into late 70’s San Francisco punk rock, you probably own something on the 415 Records label.
  • 416: The area code for the center of the Canadian universe, Toronto.
  • 417: The number of jelly beans I ate in one sitting, just to see if my puke would be Technicolor. It was. I was not as proud as I thought I’d be.
  • 418: Aleister Crowley fans know that this number is the numerology interpretation for ‘Alahadabra’, a word from the sacred text of Thelema. Everyone else wonders what in crap I’m talking about.
  • 419: The nickname for the fraud scam from Nigeria. Send me your bank account number and I’ll tell you more.
  • 420: DUDE!
  • 421: A centered square number. This means it’s a conformist number that’s totally in touch with its own inner peace.
  • 422: Literally, two 211’s. I’m not even joking.
  • 423: A Harshod number, divisible by the sum of its digits. Let’s see… 423 divided by 4+2+3 (9) is 47. Wow! The internet doesn’t lie!
  • 424: The correct number of licks it takes to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop.
  • 425: My PIN number. Probably shouldn’t have said that.
  • 426: An untouchable number. I could explain the math, but I’d rather imagine it as a number that can take down Al Capone.
  • 427: If either San Francisco or Baltimore scores 61 touchdowns today (plus extra points), they’ll finish with 427 points. That’d be a hell of a game.
  • 428: 428: Fusa Sareta Shibuya de is a Japanese visual novel and adventure game with 85 possible endings. It was the second Wii game to receive a perfect 40/40 rating from Famitsu Weekly magazine.
  • 429: This number is a Catalan number. This is the formula for calculating a Catalan number. Still interested?
  • 430: This is the number I reach in this list when I start to question why I chose this topic.
  • 431: In light years, this is how far the Earth is from Polaris. That’s even further than twelve parsecs, Han Solo!
  • 432: Three dozen dozens.
  • 433: In the British quiz show Fifteen To One, this was the perfect score. Only one person ever reached it in over 2000 episodes.
  • 434: It’s a palindrome!
  • 435: A hexagonal number, which means it has six sides. Actually that’s a math term, but I’m still recovering from seeing that Catalan formula.
  • 436; The number of licks it takes to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop if you take smaller licks.
  • 437: The number of sprinkles on the perfect donut.
  • 438: The ‘438 Match’ was a big day in cricket between Australia and South Africa in 2006. Knowing nothing about cricket, I won’t pretend to understand why.
  • 439: A prime number! Who doesn’t love a prime number?
  • 440: Most orchestras tune up to 440hz, the frequency of A above middle C
  • 441: The number of squares on a Super Scrabble board. Great game if you’ve got a lot of hours.
  • 442: The number of stairs from the top of the Eiffel Tower to a point 442 steps below the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • 443: Another prime number, but this one doesn’t brag about it as much as 439.
  • 444: The number of two-thirds of the beast!
  • 445: The number before 446.
  • 446: The number that is 446.
  • 447: The number after 446.
  • 448: Actress Debra Paget once claimed her lucky number was 448. Not really, just a stretch of uninteresting numbers here.
  • 449: A Proth Prime number, named after François Proth, a French mathematician who taught himself math, probably when he should have been doing normal young-man things, like masturbating.
  • 450: A perfect score in Canadian five-pin bowling.
  • 451: The temperature at which paper ignites. But we all knew that.
  • 452: The first three digits in my buddy Stew’s phone number. The other four are 5789. Sorry, Stew.
  • 453: The number of sunflower seeds you’d need to choke a moose or a smallish buffalo.
  • 454: A Smith Number. I am learning a lot about how little I know about math today.
  • 455: “455 Rocket” is the name of a song by American country singer Kathy Mattea. It’s either about a truck or a redneck who goes into space.
  • 456: This is the name of a Chinese restaurant I used to go to with my parents when I was a kid. My mother has no recollection of this place, so maybe I just dreamed it several times.
  • 457: Makes a little triangle on your number pad.
  • 458: When I write Day 458, that might be the day when I forgive myself for this ridiculous list.
  • 459: A special slang for “I love you” – it’s the phone digits for I-L-Y.
  • 460: A Smith & Wesson Magnum round cartridge for long-range handgun hunting. A great number for killing stuff.
  • 461: A ‘sexy prime’ number, which is actually a thing. When a prime number differs from another by six (like 461 and 467), it’s considered ‘sexy’. Hot.
  • 462: The year the Statue of Zeus, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, is destroyed by fire.
  • 463: Hit the ball to second base, he tosses to the shortstop, he sends it flying to first base. This is known as a 4-6-3 double play, and it just ruined your inning.
  • 464: The number of legal positions for the kings in chess.
  • 465: UN Security Council Resolution 465 slapped Israel’s hand for some settlements in Arab territories in 1980. After that… peace forever!
  • 466: Marketing 466 is the Service Marketing class at the University of Alberta. This is what you’d take to learn how to properly market that nostril-massage business you want to open.
  • 467: The submissive bottom in the 461-467 sexy prime relationship.
  • 468: OPSEU Local 468 is the Ontario Public Service Employees’ Union in Kingston. Their new collective agreement calls for a wage freeze. I hope my union doesn’t hear about that.
  • 469: The area code introduced for Dallas in 1999 because they were running out of numbers. This is the area code that no one in Dallas wants.
  • 470: The minimum number of yards for a golf hole to be a par-5.
  • 471: Route 471 is my favorite Japanese national highway between Hakui, Ishikawa, and Takayama, Gifu. Seriously, don’t take any of the other eleven.
  • 472: The asteroid known as 472 Roma occulted the star Delta Ophiuchi for five seconds in 2010. This was the only time something like this has happened in this century, so Delta Ophiuchi had better appreciate it.
  • 473; The amount of milliliters in a ‘super-can’ of beer, or a large energy drink. Both of these can cause damage to your innards, but the beer will be a lot more fun.
  • 474: Canadian Bill C-474 would have been a big leap forward for genetically-engineered crops. It was killed in Parliament, which ended my dream of cultivating a 60-foot potato.
  • 475: The Emerson 475 Field Communicator is the ultimate hand-held communications device for when you need to speak directly with a field.
  • 476: This is the year Romulus Augustus is kicked out of power, which is seen as the when the Roman Empire ran its closing credits and the European middle ages kicked into gear.
  • 477: The 477th Fighter Group was the division of the US Air Force that trained the Tuskegee Airmen, the legendary group of WWII African-American airborne ass-kickers.
  • 478: The number of licks it takes to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop if you let your cat lick it.
  • 479: An area code in Arkansas. I dialed my number with that area code and I think I accidentally ordered Korean take-out.
  • 480: The number of emails I sent to actor Max Wright begging for an autograph before he formally filed a cease-and-desist order.
  • 481: 481 Emita is the name of a minor planet orbiting the sun. It’s so minor, it deserves no further discussion.
  • 482: For about $30, apparently you can buy a Nintendo DS card that contains 482 games, most of which look like big-name games involving Mario, Star Wars, and so on. Not sure, but I don’t think this is an official Nintendo product.
  • 483: If you want to write an angry letter to Bell Canada, fire it off to 483 Bay Street in Toronto.
  • 484: Men’s 484 Slim-Fit pants by J.Crew will do wonders for accentuating your crotch-bulge.
  • 485: If you’re filling out your taxes in Canada and you have a number written on this line of your return, you owe money. Sorry ‘bout that.
  • 486: The pre-Pentium monster of the PC processor world.
  • 487: The only prime numbers under 200 million that divide their own decimal periods are 3, 487, and 56,598,313. The rest are all too damn lazy.
  • 488: My local union of plumbers and pipefitters. Good guys to know.
  • 489: If you’re in the mood to construct an octahedron out of spheres (as seen below), you’ll need a certain number of spheres. 489 is the only number between 344 and 670 that will work.
  • 490: According to the Book of Matthew, Jesus told Peter to forgive his brother seventy times seven times when his brother sins against him. Sounds like a lot of work. I’d just hold the damn grudge.
  • 491: According to a Pro-Life organization, this many babies were born alive and left to die after failed abortions in Canada. Wow, I’m not venturing into this one.
  • 492: The London bus route 492 leaves Bluewater bus station at 5:32 tomorrow morning. Don’t be late.
  • 493: There are 493 Pokemon, according to a website dated November, 2012. Which means there are probably over 500 by now.
  • 494: Interstate 494 is the beltway around the Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area. You can access two or three Sonic Drive-In restaurants from this road, so it’s worth the trip.
  • 495: Pick any 3-digit number with at least two of the digits different. Arrange them in ascending and descending order to create two new numbers. Subtract the smaller one from the larger one. Repeat that process with your new result. The number you get will always be 495 after a few steps. You can’t go further, because 954-459 is 495. Mind blown.
  • 496: This is an important number in superstring theory. I’m already over 2000 words today, so I won’t explain why.
  • 497: In Batman Vol.1, #497, that’s the issue where Bane tells Batman he will break him. Then this happens, just like in The Dark Knight Rises, but for some reason involving a dinosaur:
  • 498: Aeromexico Flight 498 crashed with a private plane in August, 1986, killing 82 people, including 15 on the ground. The Mexican airline was not responsible – it was all on the FAA and the private aircraft. I hope someone paid through the ass for this one.
  • 499: In 99 days, this will be the last article before hitting the halfway point. I may spice things up in the second half by writing each article drunk. Also, I may not wait that long. Thanks for reading!

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