originally published August 27, 2012
Hey! Big-Head Al here for Big-Head Al’s Empowerment Emporium. Are you lookin’ to protect your home and business? Do you worry about the prevalence of crime and violence in our society? Are you in the market for the most thorough and complete way to secure your property and defend your family?
Look no further for your personal security needs. Big-Head Al’s Empowerment Emporium is the number one source in the tri-county area for huntin’ knives, poison-tipped darts, semi-automatic firearms, fire-breathing piranhas, medieval lances with laser-scopes, trained assassin-monkeys, and short-range nuclear spitballs. This week we’re featuring some of the finest and most handsomely priced chemical warfare agents on (and a li’l bit off) the market today.
These chemical concoctions can provide you with the security you need for your home, your business, or your fully legal paramilitary compound. Our shelves are stacked with so much product, we have had to declare war on high prices. Let Big-Head Al’s foolish excess in ordering product benefit you, your family, or your radical cause.
2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile, also known as CS gas, is what we in the industry call ‘Super Tear Gas.’ It’ll stop that ol’ rampaging horde from trying to overtake your sporting goods shop. This stuff’ll cause intruders to tear up, not only because of the chemical reaction with the moisture in their eyeballs, but because they’ll know what’s coming next. That’s right, one canister of CS will supply twenty to thirty of your new friends with burnin’ throats, restricted breathing, and a big ol’ bout of vomiting. The FBI used this stuff down in Waco, so you know it’ll pack a punch.
CS gas will burn the sinuses, but it won’t burn a hole in your wallet. Canisters are a mere $65 apiece, a small price to pay to see your would-be robbers rolling around on the floor, gaspin’ for breath.
I am obligated to point out that CS gas’s status as non-lethal is up for debate. Those folks you kept from swiping your espresso machine may suffer from liver or heart damage, and their lungs may or may not pull through. But they tried to rob you – the damage ain’t your problem.
This stuff was sent to me by mistake. It ain’t gonna flatten an intruder, but it’ll give him one hell of a night. The full name for it is 3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate, but the NATO cats call it ‘Buzz’. It’s a psychotropic up-fucker, kind of like LSD but without feeling like God is tickling your fingerprints with divine sun-juices, y’know?
Your invading perp is going to get away – I’d recommend using this when you know who’s coming over your wall. A few hours later, head back to his place and you’ll find him drooling and tripping the unholy balls of the Lord Jesus hisself. Take back your goods and leave him to wonder why the hell he crossed you. Fifty-five bucks a dose.
Big-Head Al believes in progress, he believes in technology. But sometimes goin’ old-school is the only way to say to your would-be invaders, “Hey, the sands of time are unchanged and unforgivin’, and they are going to get in your shorts and scratch the hell out of your nether places if you piss me off.” That’s why we’ve got a big ol’ sale on nitrogen mustard running all month.
Little known fact: nitrogen mustard was used as the first chemotherapy drug back in my granddad’s day. But you don’t want it for that – you want to dole out some nasty-ass lesions on the skin of the amoral bastard trying to break into your tractor store. You want the jokers trying to jump-start that ol’ Mustang you’ve been rebuildin’ to run away with a few souvenir blisters.
Our prices on nitrogen mustard are so low, I can’t even quote ‘em in this commercial. Just come on in and let your mind be blown.
Big-Head Al is gonna level with ya here. We’re getting into the heavy stuff now. You don’t want to unleash some phosgene oxime unless you know you’re fightin’ for your life. You hear someone let themselves into your home, you’d better be damn sure that ain’t your mother-in-law using her spare key. She inhales a whiff of phosgene oxime and you’ll find her skin flaring up faster than mustard gas, her breathin’ coming in wheezes, and she might go blind. Maybe you don’t like your mother-in-law much, but you’ll have some explainin’ to do if you shoot her with this stuff.
Once you start using toxic chemicals as a defense strategy, you’ve probably got some pretty hardcore junk to protect. I’m not gonna judge (the legal system will probably take care of that), I’m just here to make a sale. $175 a shot for this stuff – sorry, but my conscience won’t let it go for less.
This last item is more for the evil genius set. Big-Head Al will sell to folks in all walks of life, but you should probably have a few minions at your disposal and a big ol’ hideout in a mountain if you’re gonna be using this stuff.
We’re talking Soman here. We’re talking nerve gas. We’re talking about a weapon of mass destruction, accordin’ to the panic-hustlers at the UN. This stuff’ll lock up your nemesis tighter than a nun’s tickle-box. He’ll fight to breathe, fight not to puke, then seize up and drop down flat.
Chances are good that using Soman’s gonna shuffle your opponent off the mortal coil, if you catch my meanin’. That’s why we’re gonna need some references before we can pass this stuff over the counter to you. Also, we gotta keep prices high, otherwise things could get ugly out on the streets. Gotta think of the kids, right?
Big-Head Al won’t steer you wrong. You want to build yourself a fortress, you gotta be ready to fight back the hoods who want to take it from you, and a moat just won’t do the trick these days. Of course Big-Head Al assumes no responsibility for mis-use or mis-fires with these products. He sells this stuff with the expectation that the buyer knows what they’re getting into.
And what they’re getting into is low, low prices on high quality merchandise. Come on in to Big-Head Al’s Empowerment Emporium today! You won’t be sorry.
But somebody will be!