originally published July 15, 2012

Hey boys. Are you feeling lonely tonight? Maybe I can help.

Are you single? Alone? Not sure how to get that special lady in your life to succumb to your fantasies and keep you warm at night? I know what you need. I can turn those nights from warm to hot in only three easy, sexy steps.

First, find that woman you’ve been craving.

Second, wrap your thick, juicy fingers around your phone and thrust your digits against this number: 1-900-FLORRRA; order just the right bouquet of sultry flowers to make that special lady melt with unbridled desire.

Third, simply lay back and reap the penetrating benefits of having tapped into that special place where her adoration and gratitude will froth over and fill her with an insatiable hunger for you. It’s just that simple.

What’s that?

You don’t know which flowers will stimulate her throbbing womanhood and inspire her to ache for your pulsating man-apparatus? Well don’t worry. Just grab a pen, unbutton your pants, get comfortable and let me help.

This is the mimulus breweri. I don’t know about you, but just looking at that huge erect stem just gets my blood all bubbly. See how each of the tubular flowers have their base sensuously enrobed in a slightly hairy calyx of sepals? That’s right, and those are equal-sized little lobes just teasing around its mouth. There isn’t a woman alive who wouldn’t want the taught stem of this monkeyflower to penetrate deep into the warm waters of her favorite vase.

At Florrra’s Flowers we aim to provide you with the precise bouquet of colorful bulbs to magnetically attract any pair of panties straight to your bedroom floor. Call 1-900-FLORRRA now, before your fingers get too slippery with sweat to tap the buttons.

Oooh, that’s the ribes laxiflorum. Even the name gets me hot… we like to say these flowers are ribes for her pleasure. You know what we mean. These flowers like to spread. I know what you’re thinking (and so will she), but these flowers move around like ivy. The ribes laxiflorum has glandular stems, embraced by a gentle peach fuzz. No prickles or spines on this throbbing stamen, so you can safely glide these over any part of her willing flesh. That’s right. And I’m not even going to get into the deeply divided leaves or the succulent, juicy berries. Florrra wants to send your woman into a voracious frenzy, and nothing says “sexually ravenous” like a bouquet featuring ribes laxiflorum.

Nothing.

That’s right. I couldn’t forget my favorite garnish for any sexy bouquet, the salix hookeriana. Don’t let the name fool you, these fuzzy willows won’t put out for money. But Florrra will. Florrra will put out a generous heap of salix hookeriana for a low, low price. Just look at those leaves. They can grow up to eleven centimeters long, and you won’t have to convince her of that… she’ll know every centimeter intimately. The leaves have a sensual oval shape, with a lustrously hairy texture and glistening, shiny upper surfaces. They’re so lustrously hairy we had to invent a new word for it.

Slustrous. These flowers are downright slustrous. Call 1-900-FLORRRA and tell the operator you want the most slustrous bouquet we can create. It’s okay if you can only dial with just one hand – we won’t tell.

Oh, did I just hear you asking for some crassula aquatica? That’s right, you know your steamy plant-life now. You know what’ll get your lady all hot in her squonky bits. The crassula aquatica is a succulent plant, but you could already tell, couldn’t you? Florrra has run her gentle fingers through vernal pools, marshes and other brackish water to find you the most titillating batch of these heavenly buds.

Also known as the water pygmyweed (but that isn’t nearly as sexy a name), these plants grow erect the more they are exposed to air. Call us now and we’ll let you expose these flowers as much as you and your lady would like, get them as erect as she can handle. Are your fingers shaking too much to dial? That’s okay. We have a website too.

If you want to wrap your lips around the suggestively elliptical flowers of the oemleria cerasiformis, that’s okay. Give in to your temptation. These hot, loin-stirring flowers are actually eaten by some Native American tribes. They can act as a mild anesthetic to soothe your fiery passion and settle you in to a long night of amorous humpery, but they are also eaten as an aphrodisiac. That’s right – nothing says “I want to sex you up higher than a giraffe’s sweaty eyebrows” like handing your woman a bouquet of irresistible flowers, then stuffing them into her mouth.

Better stock up on Barry White songs in your iPod playlist, because this could go on all night, boys. If you haven’t dialed 1-900-FLORRRA yet, it’s probably because you’ve passed out in a swampy pool of your own trickling drool. That’s okay. Florrra won’t judge you.

Still with me? Then you’ll want to add some madia exigua to your bouquet. Just uttering those syllables flushens my bosom, and this flower will no doubt send your woman into a heavy-breathing shudder. The madia exigua pulsates with a warm, moist aroma, thanks to its large stalked resin glands. The parts that will tickle your woman’s eyeballs are the clustered flower heads. They heave and sway rhythmically in the wind atop thin but iron-stiff penduncles. It will be a natural progression for your woman to glide her eyes over to your own stiff penduncle. That’s right.

At the tip of these flower heads are one or two super-sensitive and provocative yellow disc florets. How could any woman resist? Not only that, but the fruit of the madia exigua is an achene with no pappus. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds suggestive to Florrra.

You’d better call now, boys. Your woman won’t wait forever, and you don’t want someone else to insert something as slustrous as a Florrra bouquet into her willing hands. Dial 1-900-FLORRRA now.

You know you want to.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s