originally published May 16, 2012

You see this guy? I would never advocate violence toward another human being, but more than anyone else in Canada, this guy deserves to eat crap. I’m not using that as an expression either – I won’t encourage violence, but I will encourage any waiter / busboy / cook that sees this guy in their restaurant to find a way to sprinkle some fecal matter into his club sandwich.

I hesitate to call him a man… he is so, but only by its most vile, dishonorable definition. A better appellation might simply be a flabby cracker. A flacker.

So why does this flacker have me in such a flap? Well, Bill Whatcott is one of those free-speech advocates who demonstrates his advocacy by telling everybody else that how they live their lives is wrong. He’s one of those devout “Christians” who skim past the ‘God is the only judge’ stuff so that he can judge everyone else. Bill is the pustule on democracy and western freedom that reminds us that even liberty has its baggage.

Rather than intersperse today’s article with photos pertaining to my subject (I’d rather not look at any more flacker pics today), I’m just going to scatter in some pictures of things that make me smile. Think of them as meditative escapes to keep my disdain in check.

If you are gay, you are a personal affront to Bill Whatcott. You are invading his existence by breathing, and by being who you are. Bill wants to turn the public against you. He wants everyone to see you as diseased, sinful, and destructive to society. He has distributed leaflets door to door, depicting images of diseases that he believes exist because of gay sex. Pardon my bluntness, but someone needs to stick a dick in this guy’s mouth and shut him up.

Bill is a strict pro-life flacker. He has also plunked into mailboxes a variety of leaflets that depict dismembered fetuses in an attempt to sway people to his side. I’d bet if I handed him a leaflet featuring a photo of a topless woman as a part of my “Hooray Boobies” campaign, he’d call it filthy pornography. But this is about how Bill gets Bill’s message out.

He’s one of those shouting lunatics at your local abortion clinic. He has been convicted twice of yelling his protests right at the clinic door, not staying outside the mandatory 60-foot bubble zone. To Bill, the issue of abortion is not a complex, multi-faceted situation open to intelligent debate. No, Bill wants to shout his opinion in your face, and he’ll break the law to do it if he has to.

Bill doesn’t want you to be Muslim. He claims Muhammad is a ‘man of violence’, and has distributed flyers that say such. The flyers also contained images of a beheaded Indonesian girl, just in case you didn’t get the message. Bill sees no irony in propping up his campaigns of hatred with a phony claim to pure Christianity; Bill only uses the parts of scripture that fuel his judgments.

Bill has run for office. Of course – people so deluded that they have a monopoly on truth and justice are often the ones who want to run the show. In 1999, he ran in the Ontario provincial election and finished eighth. He finished fourth in 2000 when he ran for mayor of Regina, and in 2007 he finished sixth in his race to be the mayor of Edmonton. Bill will never be elected to public office because a platform of hate and intolerance doesn’t win an election. Perhaps Bill would be advised to run for office in the Galactic Empire; he might have a future there.

In 2010, the Saskatchewan Human Rights Tribunal decided Bill was flagrantly discriminating against homosexuals, and fined him $17,000. This was overturned on appeal, because the debate regarding how children are taught sexuality is “inherently controversial,” and also “sometimes polemical and impolite.” Handing a child a brochure that graphically depicts some made-up exclusively homosexual disease so that the child develops a fear and disdain for gay people is “impolite.” This is how our system works.

This ruling was appealed all the way to the Canadian Supreme Court. Bill showed up in Ottawa and got his ass thrown off the Carlton University campus because he tried to squeeze in a little more flyer delivery there while he waited for his court appearance. More interveners showed up both for and against Bill than have shown up for any other Supreme Court case in the history of Canada. I have no news on how this turned out – the only info on Google News is a report from the next day, so nothing since last October.

Bill once blew a guy for drugs. That’s not libel – he told the Montreal Gazette that back in his sinful past he traded sexual favors with a male drug dealer in exchange for product. I just want to make sure that’s out there, and that we all remember that deal next time this flacker hits the news.

He’s a nurse. No, really. He also got fined and suspended for intimidating staff and patients outside a Planned Parenthood clinic. That was overturned though – he wasn’t representing himself as a nurse at the time, so here we get into the murky grey of free speech.

Bill will probably never read this article, but you never know. I have managed to reach out and touch the worlds of Kevin Smith, Ben Folds, friends of the late Bobby Fuller, and of course the Lord of the Joust. Who’s to say Bill won’t keep up on what people are saying about him?

Just in case, this part is for you, Bill. Just stop it already. Nobody cares. You’re filled with hatred and loathing, and you use God as an excuse for it. Maybe White-Power Bill hates White-Power Bill. (that’s an Arrested Development joke – you probably won’t get it)

You don’t want to make out with another guy, that’s fine. No one says you have to. But if your neighbors want to get busy with their bad selves behind closed doors, it does not affect you. Are you still with me, Bill? It does not affect you.

And if you’re right, if there is a God and He truly hates abortionists, Muslims and homosexuals, how’s about letting Him sort this shit out on His terms? You deserve the right of free speech like we all do, and there’s no doubting that the crap you spew is the ultimate test of that freedom. But for now, why not let shit go, spread some joy instead of hate, and let people get on with getting it on in their private lives?

And go get yourself laid, you pompous, ignorant little flacker.

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