originally published May 7, 2012

Hello everyone. Mr. Villanova had to run out due to a personal emergency, and I’ve been asked to fill in for today’s lecture on… human sexuality. I’m going to be up front with you kids – I don’t feel comfortable talking about this subject. Please don’t laugh, don’t even giggle. Let’s just get through this.

Mr. Villanova left me a list of terms to define for you all. I won’t lie, some of them I had to look up on Wikipedia. Most of them, really.

Okay, let’s dive in. Splash Conception. You learned in yesterday’s lecture that sometimes boys can put their whassis into… into the back part of… well, let’s just call it the rear entrance. I know, you think you can’t get pregnant that way. Well, sometimes the… stuff… will splash over to the… well, let’s just say you can still get pregnant. And he should be wearing at least two condoms because that’s… that’s gross.

I’m not judging, and you three at the back need to stop laughing. If you have a witty comment to make, just write it down and tell it to each other after class, when I’m weeping in a locked car in the staff parking lot.

Trampling. I’m not sure why Mr. Villanova felt this should be on the curriculum, but here goes. Trampling is when someone, usually a guy, gets excited by being walked upon, or jumped upon, by someone else. Again, I’m not making judgments, but come on. Someone could get hurt doing this. Do people into trampling go to parties and look down at the rug and think, “Wow, I wish I was that rug?” I promised myself I wouldn’t call any of this stuff ‘sick’, but this is just sick.

Hirsutophilia is a sexual attraction to body hair. This kind of went out of fashion to some extent after the 1980s, but believe me, it still exists. Next time one of your friends declares an attraction to somebody who has body hair, you can now point your finger at them and declare, “You’re a hirsutophile!” Or maybe it’s ‘an’ hirsutophile. Check with your English teacher.

Okay, we’re going to mention pompoir. This is where the man and woman lie completely still, but the woman still does stuff… with her muscles. It’s not easy, and I’m not even sure this is a real thing. But apparently some women have… muscle control. This is kind of a tantric sex thing, so you probably won’t have anything to do with it until you’re much, much older. What? What is tantric sex?

Tantric practice is actually a very spiritual exercise. Neotantra is a single dimension of a larger spiritual path, one which is devoted to becoming fully aware in every moment of one’s life – aware of the supreme cosmic flow of the Sacred Unity of Love. I said no giggling! Just you wait. Tantric sex can make an orgasm last for an hour. An hour! And if you giggled just now you’ll probably never experience it. And your lives will suck. Okay, let’s move on.

A stop light party is a very efficient party in which guests wear shirts corresponding to their relationship or sexual status. These are great because they do away with those awkward moments when married or spoken-for people are hit on by others. Let me show you how this works.

Tommy, that red shirt you’re wearing, that would indicate that you are either in a relationship or else you weren’t looking for one. It would be easy – no one would hit on you, and you could focus on scoring the best hors d’oeuvres. Lisa, your yellow shirt would indicate that you are either unsure as to whether or not you want a new relationship, or that you’re in a relationship but still open to proposition. So that means men at the party would see you either as a lot of work, or as a slut. That could work for you or against you.

George, your green shirt would indicate that you’re looking for a relationship, or a ‘hook-up’, or whatever you kids call quickies nowadays. Oh, and sometimes a white shirt can stand for something also. Louis, that t-shirt you’re wearing might mean you’re gay. Not really, stop laughing everyone! It’s just an example. Okay, let’s see what’s next.

Okay, again I’m not entirely certain why Mr. Villanova felt the need to include this term. Ophidiophilia is a sexual attraction to snakes. Apparently some women find it exciting to insert the tail of a snake or an eel into their… into their ‘there’, and let it wriggle around. I can’t imagine the appeal here, especially since you’d need some Steve Irwin-looking guy to be right there, keeping the thing in place. Also, you could get salmonella by doing this. Honestly, if any of you girls are excited by this, I’d recommend seeing a therapist and saving yourself the medical concerns.

Wow, is class over yet? No? Alright, let’s move on to the Pink Salon. This is an establishment in Japan, kind of like a brothel, except it only offers oral stimulation. Mr. Villanova wanted me to point out that this is a good way to earn some extra money if you’re travelling in Japan, as the pay is… now this is just inappropriate. You know, I’m not entirely certain Mr. Villanova didn’t include some of these terms as a joke on me. Please ignore this, let’s get through the last two terms.

Oh my goodness. Teledildonics… I can’t imagine why this should be taught to… oh never mind. Teledildonics are sex toys that get hooked up to a computer. These can be things that vibrate according to instructions from a computer program or a remote (and equally depraved) cyber-partner. Also they’ve invented some kind of suit that can stimulate nerves all over. I guess this is fine, in that you can’t get pregnant, you won’t catch an STD, and you don’t have a live snake sticking out of any of your parts. But I encourage you all to take a long look at your lives. If any of this excites you, if you’re spending your time on the internet looking at disgusting, filthy things instead of learning about the wonders of nature, are you really making the best use of your time? Perhaps you should volunteer in your community. And wear more red shirts.

Okay, last one. The piledriver. This is when the woman lies down on her… oh! Time’s up! Thank goodness. Okay, all of you, get out. I need to disinfect something.

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