Day 871: Give Me Three Tasty Scoops… Of Murder!

originally published May 20, 2014 If you wanna sling butterscotch ripple in Glas’, y’better have a strong fookin’ stomach. In the early 1980’s, Scottish gangsters had stumbled upon an insidious yet somehow brilliant front for their nefarious goings-on: ice cream trucks. While the chipper little bleeps of a pre-recorded children’s ditty lured hungry kids clutching […]

Day 870: The Cruel Capture & Cunning Calculation Of Fanny Kelly

originally published May 19, 2014 Classic tales of the old west are filled with men who are forced by circumstance to be MEN. By the code of the west, a guy’s holster must be overflowing with the gooey, musky froth of machismo. Whether it’s Marshal Will Kane awaiting a fleet of vengeful gunmen at high […]

Day 869: Unleashing The Other 90% Of The Brain

originally published May 18, 2014 In the 2011 film Limitless, Bradley Cooper uses a tiny pill to unlock the full 100% of his brain’s abilities, granting him superhuman reasoning skills, instantaneous deduction and an unnatural gift of foresight (though not enough foresight to keep him from making that third Hangover movie). This August, because Hollywood […]

Day 868: Tapping The Rage Of The Bus Uncle

originally published May 17, 2014 Before plopping my be-Speedo’ed word-butts onto the winding waterslide of today’s twisted topic, I’d like to point out that I never intended to pen a disquisition on any Youtube celebrity or trendy viral video. That was before I encountered The Bus Uncle. The Bus Uncle is no Numa Numa, and […]

Day 867: The Case Of The Missing (Let’s Assume Dead) Person

originally published May 16, 2014 During the aftermath of the English Civil War, while a spanking-new parliamentary monarchy was struggling to gain its balance and move forward, a number of questions popped up like bulbous weeds all over the field of law and order. Land claims, the reach of justice, the decision of whether or […]

Day 866: Blessed Be This House Of Poop

originally published May 15, 2014 People often ask me whether or not I worry about running out of interesting topics before this thousand days is up. My response is always the same. “Of course not,” I tell them. “I haven’t yet written about toilet gods.” Well, today I throw caution at the swirling fan and […]

Day 865: Mattel Electronics Presents… My Favorite Childhood Distraction

originally published May 14, 2014 My mission today is to return to my childhood, albeit briefly and without overdosing on peanut butter-Cheez Whiz sandwiches. My parents raised me using an unorthodox less-is-more approach, meaning “less money spent” equals “more good”. So when I asked for an Atari 2600 I received an Intellivision. When I asked […]

Day 864: Mu-vin’ On Up From The Lost Continent

originally published May 13, 2014 “The antediluvian kings colonized the world; all the gods who play in the mythological dramas in all legends from all lands were in Atlantis.” This is an excerpt from the legend of Atlantis – or more accurately from the 1968 Donovan song “Atlantis”, but it makes my point. Since the […]

Day 863: The Online Chinese Limbo

originally published May 12, 2014 You may not have noticed, but while the Chinese economy is poised to plant its conquering flag upon the global marketplace, the country’s government is astoundingly fucked up. Fucked up and frightened, gauging by the unfathomable swath of censorship that it clings to. What other explanation can there be for […]

Day 862: Uoy Tpurroc Ot Sdrow Dnasuoht A

originally published May 11, 2014 I was fifteen years old when my dad utilized his extensive technological prowess to produce a cassette recording for me of all the Beatles’ so-called backward messages. By “prowess” I mean he played a reel-to-reel tape backwards. It wasn’t tricky. Playing music backwards is a phenomenon that has existed since […]