Day 360: Take The Quiz You Can’t Refuse

originally published December 25, 2012 Christmas, as we all know from saccharine TV commercials for pasta side dishes, is a time for family. Major calendar holidays are, as regular readers of this project may recall, also a perfect opportunity for a quiz. And rather than cash in on the Christmas tropes – I’m sure I’m […]

Day 340: Roy Warns Me About The Clear Channel Conspiracy

originally published December 5, 2012 “Dude.” “What is it, Roy?” “Dude, shit is going down.” “Come on Roy, it’s Wednesday. I’ve got finals coming up next week, an essay to write for my criticism class, and I haven’t finished that big snow-Al-Franken in my front yard. I don’t have time for your conspiracy theories.” “Do […]

Day 328: The Fleet Painter

originally published November 23, 2012 The scene: Aboard the deck of the Dutch flagship, the Lowestoft. It is 1666, May 31, the evening before the start of the Four Days Battle between the English and the Dutch. The characters are four notable Dutch painters: Willem van de Velde the Elder, his son (Willem van de […]

Day 327: A Thanksgiving Quiz – Fictional Sidekicks

originally published November 22, 2012 Ah, the bittersweet dawn of a Yankee Thanksgiving. Bitter because up here in the frozen tundra, it’s just another work-day. Sweet because tradition insists upon a trio of mid-week football games for me to enjoy. Bitter because I’ll be lucky to squeeze a few glances at the scores from my […]

Day 326: The Ballad Of Humanity Dick

originally published November 21, 2012 A tale I’d never heard before I am to you impartin’ The story of an unsung dude Whose name was Richard Martin. He spoke for beasts who couldn’t speak, Gave animals a voice. In eighteenth-cent’ry Ireland that Was not an oft-heard noise. For animal rights was not a trend, A […]

Day 320: Tony Pezsnecker – The Stockiest Stock Character Ever

originally published November 15, 2012 As a writer who specializes in essays about insubstantial trivia, I’m thinking it’s time I delve into the world of fiction. As such, I have decided to craft the perfect protagonist. Once that step is done, I expect the actual story will fall into place easily, hopefully while I’m asleep. […]

Day 284: Superstar Mortality-Battle! Australian Folklore Creatures Edition

originally published October 10, 2012 (note: today’s article is in no way affiliated with MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch, so there is no point in informing their lawyers. No really, put down that phone.) Tonight on Superstar Mortality-Battle, we’re going to see who puts the “AU!!!” in Australian; who puts the “END” in Legendary; who puts the […]

Day 282: A Columbus Day / Thanksgiving Quiz – Cereal Mascots

originally published October 8, 2012 On this sacred holiday, we North Americans gather around a hearty feast of turkey, stuffing and gravy and either give thanks that Christopher Columbus set sail to bring an October long weekend to America, or that someone in Canadian history decided to rip off an American tradition and bring Thanksgiving […]

Day 273: WUUW-FM Public Radio Presents – Experimental Music In The Afternoon

originally published September 29, 2012 Good afternoon. You’re listening to WUUW, public access radio. I’m your Saturday afternoon substitute host, Yemini Apollodopolis, and this is “Saturday Clanking”. Normally on my show, which you can hear Tuesdays and Saturday nights between midnight and three I tickle your eardrums with the greats of classic jazz: the Monks, […]

Day 268: Emptiness, As Taught To A Grade Two Class

originally published September 24, 2012 Good morning, class. I’m your substitute teacher, Mr. Pezsnecker. Mrs. Kwibble left me some notes on what you kids have been working on, so we’re going to jump right into some math. Let’s see… she was talking to you about mass and volume. Can anyone tell me something about volume? […]