Day 701: Drunken Orgies & Monkeys With Sweater-Vests – December Holidays

originally published December 1, 2013 It’s that time of the year once again when we flip over that last wobbly sheet of our wall calendar and marvel at the… oh. It’s a winter scene. Why does every location-based wall calendar feel the need to stick a snowy representation of their subject on the December page? […]

Day 671: November – More Than The First Grey Spittle Of Winter

originally published November 1, 2013 It never fails. You’re meandering through the crispy clutter of October’s autumn, steering clear of the path-side puddle of vomit from over-candied children, breathing the warm scent of massacred pumpkins, when suddenly the ground gives way and you plummet head-first into that fetid murk known as November. Here in the […]

Day 638: Break Out The Balloons (And Wash Your Hands) – It’s Almost October!

originally published September 29, 2013 By no means am I eager to scoot September out the door and usher in October, which is quite often the beginning of winter in this northern hellscape town I call home. But I’ve got a theme planned for next week’s articles, and I don’t want anyone to miss the […]

Day 610: Blasphemy & Interrobangs… ARRR!!!

originally published September 1, 2013 What greater gift can a month offer than the promise of a long weekend to kick it off? I’ve always been a fan of September, and not only because my birthday stands like a perpetual beacon near its end. This is the month of back to school, sure, but it’s […]

Day 602: Veblens And Giffens And Rich People’s Phones

originally published August 24, 2013 I think it’s safe to say that I will probably never be fantastic with money. After five years of earning the mellifluous bounty of government dronesmanship, my savings account barely contains enough money to pay for the tumbleweeds that would best represent just how barren and empty it is. I […]

Day 600: A Look At What’s To Come

originally published August 22, 2013 Whenever I reach a round number in this all-consuming project I like to look back and reflect on how far I’ve come, or how much volunteer charity work I might have done had I not been spending a couple hours every day writing bacon jokes and references to 1980’s-era sitcoms. […]

Day 579: This August, Buy A Clown A Beer And Punch A Mime

originally published August 1, 2013 Ah, August. That first month of the year which marks the turning point, the crest of the hill after which my little northern town begins sliding on its heels toward that inevitable and forsaken pit of wretched winter. But I prefer not to dwell on the meteorological implications of this […]

Day 548: A Toast To Summer’s Boogie – July Celebrations You’ve Never Heard Of

originally published July 1, 2013 Happy Canada Day to my fellow countrymen and countrywomen, and for those outside our borders, happy first day of the most awesome month of the year. Everyone knows that July features two fireworky and fun holidays near its start, but surely there’s more to celebrate. I mean, apart from all […]

Day 545: Turning Up The Numbers Racket

originally published June 28, 2013 My neighbor – not the ethically-starved bag of rancid douche against whom I was once plotting; this is the guy beside him – has a gigantic antenna on his roof. The thing has been there since we moved in back in ought-six, and I have no idea what he does […]

Day 526: Spitting In The Face Of June’s Holidaylessness

originally published June 9, 2013 We are almost a third of the way through the month of June, and it occurred to me that I have neglected to provide us with our monthly observances, our reasons to celebrate something… anything. Two days ago I wrote a piece on National Doughnut Day, but that won’t be […]