Day 714: The Great & Noble 42

originally published December 14, 2013 Mr. Foster, my fifth grade teacher, was the most feared educator at Laurier Heights Elementary/Jr. High school. He had a surly demeanor, a purposeful beard, and an affinity for Slim Whitman yodelling records: a sure sign of mental instability. He was also known for breaking wooden meter sticks in fits […]

Day 708: Beware The Deadly Hypotenuse

originally published December 8, 2013 As a life-long cynic and devoted doubter of lore and mystery, I find myself always checking the sleeves of an unexplained tale, searching for my card anywhere but inside the deck. I don’t poke under my bed for ghouls, nor do I hold my breath as I drive past a […]

Day 705: Legends Of Urbania

originally published December 5, 2013 The beauty of the Internet Age is how information – or more entertainingly, misinformation – oozes like honey-sludge, coating the globe in a glossy sheen of non-truths and insidious punks. Mischievous urban legends have been inspiring tizzies for as long as there have been folks around to lend their ears, […]

Day 702: Orson’s Phenomenal Freak-Out

originally published December 2, 2013 Mention The War Of The Worlds to someone, and they’ll have one of four distinct reactions: They’ll recall images of that creepy Tom Cruise movie. They’ll remember stories of massive public hysteria surrounding an old radio broadcast. They’ll have no idea what you’re talking about because they are either too […]

Day 698: The Gnarly Green Road, Part 2

originally published November 28, 2013 When we last left our heroes (our heroes being those plucky little cannabis plants that were allegedly tugging at the tablecloth upon which the fine china of our fragile society was laid), things weren’t looking good. It was 1937, and the American government had come up with a complicated taxation-punishment […]

Day 697: The Gnarly Green Road, Part 1

originally published November 27, 2013 Children, pull up a spot o’ rug and pass the old man his USS Enterprise-shaped bong. I’d like to tell you a tale of corruption and weirdness, of cruel and unusual punishment and a nation that has only recently begun to peel back the charred scab of failed policy and […]

Day 693: Mr. Nobody’s Foggy Past

originally published November 23, 2013 Have you ever had one of those days when you simply wanted to disappear? Okay, we’ve all had those days, often tucked into the cruel early hours of a Monday. But how deep have your fingers dug into the sand of this notion? Have you contemplated where you’d relocate? Pieced […]

Day 692: The Saints Go Blessing In

originally published November 22, 2013 Having not been raised as a Catholic, I understand very little about the intricacies of the faith and how it differentiates itself from the standard one-size-fits-all Christianity, which I also understand very little about. All the more reason I should probably forego an article about Catholic sainthood and write another […]

Day 683: A Sucker Born, And So On

originally published November 13, 2013 Greetings, fellow passengers aboard this swirling turntable among the stars, as we swivel along at a brisk and oft-terrifying 45rpm, propelling our lives up the charts of human history for a brief fireworks splash before plopping back into obscurity, into the 49-cent discount bin of faded immortality. It’s time to […]

Day 670: Tricking And Treating And Singing And Eating

originally published October 31, 2013 In a few hours I will be visited by a myriad of Captain Jack Sparrows and Spidermen, Walking Dead-types and three-and-a-half-foot Jedi. Some kids will get the good chocolate, while others will get the crap made with compound chocolate (damn you, Oh Henry!). The pathetic kids over 15 with dollar-store […]