Day 754: Getting Both Jiggy And All That With My Lost 90s Fads

originally published January 23, 2014 I’ll never forget the day I finally learned how to see the 3D image in those Magic Eye posters. I’ll never forget it because that day was today. I’m not joking – after over twenty years of trying to gaze “through” those colorful posters of blurs, shapes and pixels, I […]

Day 750: The Celebrity Strangeness Quiz

originally published January 19, 2014 While in the next room my wife is no doubt running the trumpeters through a quick rehearsal of the jazzed-up fanfare that will herald the massive party she is throwing in my honor, I’m going to flex my consonants and stretch my vowels for the final 250-day sprint to the […]

Day 749: The Manipulation Conundrum

originally published January 18, 2014 A few days ago I slaked my fingers through the questionable history of the television laugh track. While I have always been baffled that one studio audience’s instinctive responses to actual comedy might 1 have been slapped underneath decades-worth of other material, I had no idea there was one guy […]

Day 747: Holding Your Breath For Immortality

originally published January 16, 2014 We’re all looking for the answers. In this chemically-saturated culture of corruption and perpetual impurity, we have a seemingly unending array of potential branches with which we can hoist ourselves a little closer to salvation, to spiritual enlightenment, to… dare I say it?… immortality. So which do we grab? Which […]

Day 737: (Just) Rest(ing. Leave Me) In Peace

originally published January 6, 2014 When a journalist was dispatched in 1897 to confirm the rumors that Mark Twain was near death, the author – whose cousin was actually the sick one – famously quipped, “The report of my death was an exaggeration.” Leave it to the granddad of American humor to reduce bogus speculation […]

Day 733: Hogmanay – The Party Ain’t Over

originally published January 2, 2014 “Why,” you may ask yourself, should you feel so bold as to question my methods yet too timid to address me directly, “is this guy still writing about the holidays? We’ve moved on; our page-a-day Funky Winkerbean calendar has already shed a square of scrap into the recycle pile. Why […]

Day 724: Who Is This Fat Man And Why Is He Giving Me A Toblerone?

originally published December 24, 2013 I have been taking a number of fiery complaints for my previous two articles, in which I bemoan Santa’s insipid perpetual sweetness and his uninteresting focus on joy and giving and ho ho ho. Actually, I have received no complaints (zero is a number!), but I like to pretend I […]

Day 723: In Search Of Santa’s Dark Side

originally published December 23, 2013 I have to say, I’m still not sold. Yesterday I scoured the globe (from the comfort of my own ass of course; my budget is notoriously limited) in search of a legend worthy of usurping Santa Claus from his Christmas throne. And while racist helper-folk and roller-skating church-goers piqued my […]

Day 722: Santa A-Go-Go

originally published December 22, 2013 While shopping for a pair of Christmas socks for my personal cheese carver at the mall yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the straggling line of drooling children awaiting their turn on Santa’s lap. The expressions on their parents’ faces was one of zombified exhaustion and haunted anticipation that their kids […]

Day 717: The Dope On Dope (And The Dopes Who Dope On Dope)

originally published December 17, 2013 We here at 1000-Word Industries would never advocate the use of illegal drugs as a recreational pastime. We all know that marijuana is the gateway drug that leads 97.4% of its users to harder drugs like bath salts and ostrich-adrenaline. It has been well documented that so-called “magic” mushrooms are […]