Day 601: The Thousand-Word Fortune Cookie

originally published August 23, 2013 The reaction to yesterday’s article, which outlined future planetary events over the next couple centuries, was overwhelming. “It changed the way I see the world,” said one fan that I made up. “So much information in such a callipygian space!” said another, who clearly doesn’t know the meaning of the […]

Day 600: A Look At What’s To Come

originally published August 22, 2013 Whenever I reach a round number in this all-consuming project I like to look back and reflect on how far I’ve come, or how much volunteer charity work I might have done had I not been spending a couple hours every day writing bacon jokes and references to 1980’s-era sitcoms. […]

Day 599: All About Exes And Ohs

originally published August 21, 2013 Back in the 1980’s, we learned that the game of Tic-Tac-Toe has the ability to disable the United States government’s most powerful military computer system. Matthew Broderick taught us this, years before he educated us all about the benefits of truancy, auto theft, dishonesty, and impersonating a sausage king. In […]

Day 598: A Thousand Words, Part DXCVIII

originally published August 20, 2013 The trailer begins: “In a world… that looks strikingly familiar…” We exist in a vacuum of repetition. No less than 35 sequels are plopping their predictable posteriors into theatres in 2013. This is bankable income for Hollywood studios – they know we’ll drop thirteen bucks on Grown-Ups 2, if only […]

Day 597: That Damn Falling Tree

originally published August 19, 2013 If a writer posts a thousand words and no one is there to read them, does he make a point? As a person who faces that possibility every morning – usually before consuming that first cup of coffee that could potentially render the answer easier to digest – I prefer […]

Day 596: I… Uhhh… Made You A Mixtape.

originally published August 18, 2013 I’ll admit it, I’m the guy who made mixtapes for girls he liked. I also made them for friends and (mostly) for myself. My dad got me in the habit – he’d borrow or rent records (yes, back then there was a store in town where people would rent records), […]

Day 595: Of Milgrams And Monsters

originally published August 17, 2013 A couple weeks ago I wrote a piece about unethical human experimentation in the United States. Due to the overwhelming response (which consisted mainly of my bulldog-in-chief, Rufus, wagging his tail when I’d talk to him about it), I thought I’d delve into the subject a little deeper. I’ve found […]

Day 594: “Til’ Her Night Cheese Was Ready To Poop” And Other Mondegreens

originally published August 16, 2013 “Ye highlands and ye Lowlands, Oh, where hae ye been? They hae slain the Earl o’ Moray And Lady Mondegreen.” According to writer Sylvia Wright in a 1954 Harper’s Magazine essay, this was how she’d heard the first stanza of “The Bonny Earl O’ Moray”, a 17th-centuy ballad. The actual […]

Day 593: Network #1’s Belated Obit

originally published August 15, 2013 Amid the seemingly infinite waterfall of random thoughts that saturate my brain and prevent it from doing anything particularly beneficial to society comes the realization that my children have grown up in a world where the Fox Network has always existed. They have never known the confines of a 12-channel […]

Day 592: The Real Micky & Mallory

originally published August 14, 2013 If delightful, family-friendly romps are your thing, you could probably do a lot better than Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers. On the other hand, if you’re looking for your dreams tonight to be peppered with gruesome imagery and psychotic thematic elements, this might be the perfect movie upon which you […]