Day 731: The Countess Of Cunning

originally published December 31, 2013 I’m hesitant to invest too much faith in tall tales from the pre-media age, particularly when the sources at my disposal are practically taunting me into the world of fiction. A mini-series about the notorious 19th-century jewel thief Sofia Blyuvshtein, a.k.a. Sonya Golden Hand, aired on Russian television in 2007, […]

Day 730: Taking The Stairs

originally published December 30, 2013 The sage philosopher and observer of our cultural eccentricities Mitch Hedberg once said, “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.” That may be true, and it may be soberingly poignant. Also, it’s possible that I simply know of no other way to effectively begin an article about […]

Day 729: When The Screen Runs Red With Virtual Blood

originally published December 29, 2013 Yesterday morning I was confronted with one of those pivotal moments in the parental experience, one in which a father finds himself perched upon the precipice of coolness, wavering like a basketball on a hoop’s rim. Do I tilt toward the two points and lock in my status as the […]

Day 728: Creative Anti-Crime Tech

originally published December 28, 2013 Presbycusis. Not a word one hears often in polite conversation, in fact it’s not a word that the good folks at Microsoft felt necessary to plop into their default dictionary, according to the squiggly red snake of shame underneath what I just typed. But among those who have devoted their […]

Day 727: The Great Tree Caper Of ’98

originally published December 27, 2013 It was a crime chiseled from the musty grey stone of infamy. In its weary aftermath, a nation would rub its sweat-stung eyes, check itself in the mirror and know that nothing would ever appear the same again. The air would forever be bathed in a perpetual murk, and where […]

Day 726: The Astounding Rat-Finkery Of “Kid-Twist” Reles

originally published December 26, 2013 “I’m not mad, I’m proud of you. You took your first pinch like a man, and you learn two great things in your life. Look at me. Never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut.” So said Jimmy Conway to a young Henry Hill in Goodfellas. Being […]

Day 725: Christmas Day, 1914

originally published December 25, 2013 No matter what you’ll be doing today, there will be no escaping that subtle shift in the light, the quirky zigzag of distorted collective energy – it’s Christmas, and the world always looks, sounds and smells a little different on Christmas. For some it’s a holy day, for others a […]

Day 724: Who Is This Fat Man And Why Is He Giving Me A Toblerone?

originally published December 24, 2013 I have been taking a number of fiery complaints for my previous two articles, in which I bemoan Santa’s insipid perpetual sweetness and his uninteresting focus on joy and giving and ho ho ho. Actually, I have received no complaints (zero is a number!), but I like to pretend I […]

Day 723: In Search Of Santa’s Dark Side

originally published December 23, 2013 I have to say, I’m still not sold. Yesterday I scoured the globe (from the comfort of my own ass of course; my budget is notoriously limited) in search of a legend worthy of usurping Santa Claus from his Christmas throne. And while racist helper-folk and roller-skating church-goers piqued my […]

Day 722: Santa A-Go-Go

originally published December 22, 2013 While shopping for a pair of Christmas socks for my personal cheese carver at the mall yesterday, I was overwhelmed by the straggling line of drooling children awaiting their turn on Santa’s lap. The expressions on their parents’ faces was one of zombified exhaustion and haunted anticipation that their kids […]