Day 1000: How It Ends

originally published September 26, 2014 Inside this cubicle the air is thick as honey, with asphyxiating flecks of the mundane bracing against the irrefutable promise of a golden weekend. Outside these pin-cushion partitions – and indeed inside as well – every tiny molecule in the universe is saying its goodbyes to its neighbors and preparing […]

Day 999: Buh-Bye, So Long And Hallelujah

originally published September 25, 2014 It’s a completely valid question. For the past 50 or so days I have been fielding one question more often than most: what am I going to do for Day 1000? Will the final kilograph reflect upon the 999 that came before, like some extended clip show of my greatest […]

Day 998: Crossing Abbey Road

originally published September 24, 2014 This Friday marks the 35th anniversary of what I believe to be the greatest album of all time. Before you flick lint in my beer or pelt me with wads of Big League Chew for not designating this title to Pink Floyd’s Piper At The Gates of Dawn or Dexy’s […]

Day 997: Hollywood’s Original A-List, Part II

originally published September 23, 2014 Last year I penned a heartfelt tribute to Lilian Gish and that first generation of cinematic ladies who made male hearts swoon, back when it was still gentlemanly to swoon in mixed company. Alas, the big bold number at the top of this article threatens an accusation of sexism if […]

Day 996: The Greatest Prank In The History Of History

originally published September 22, 2014 “That putz, Bolton. This will totally blow his mind.” The above may have been uttered between the cool gusts of sharp giggles at a gathering of the Berkeley chapter of E Clampus Vitus, an organization designated either as a “historical drinking society” or a “drinking historical society”, depending on whom […]

Day 995: Little Rivalry On The Prairie

originally published September 21, 2014 Newcomers to the city of Edmonton inevitably have questions regarding our perpetual rivals to the south, or what has come to be known as the Battle of Alberta. They don’t ask me – I purposely sport a fanny-pack and 20 pounds of camera gear when I wander about the city […]

Day 994: The Game Of Milton Bradley’s Life

originally published September 20, 2014 I confess: I am but one week away from commemorating my 40th year on this planet, and I have yet to ever play The Game of Life. This is not due to some ethical or existential objection to simulating the course of one’s existence upon a square slab of cardboard, […]

Day 993: Sexual Selection In Darwinian Theory, Or Why You Can’t Get Laid

originally published September 19, 2014 Herbert Spencer was the 19th century philosopher, scientist and all-around smart cookie who coined the phrase “Survival of the Fittest” after having read Charles Darwin’s On The Origin Of Species. While some may argue each and every tenet of evolutionary theory (much to the exhaustion of everyone who actually knows […]

Day 992: The John Wilkes Booth World Tour

originally published September 18, 2014 When John Wilkes Booth was crouching in Richard H. Garrett’s tobacco barn, listening to Lieutenant Colonel Everton Conger’s orders to surrender, he decided to go out with a bang. He refused the surrender, then once the barn was lit on fire he took a bullet to the neck, delivered by […]

Day 991: The Subjective Science Of Getting Friendly With Your Water

originally published September 17, 2014 Good morning, water. You look lovely today. The way you have meticulously extracted the energizing essence of those crumbly brown nuggets of Sumatra in my coffee maker really brings out the glimmer in your droplets. Look, I’m a married man, but if I wasn’t, I would totally be gettin’ up […]