originally published January 15, 2012
Every so often it seems that Wikipedia’s Random Article generator has a sense of humor. She has sent me to three consecutive pages about uninhabited regions of Antarctica, flooded my brain with a seemingly unending stream of international soccer players and track athletes, and today she decided to turn topical. Note I’m calling it a ‘she’ now, because we’ve gotten to know each other well over the past two weeks, and we have accepted that this is a long-term relationship, one that can stand a little anthropomorphizing.
Today, nipples-deep in the electrifying rapids of the NFL playoffs, I was directed to the dangerously broad topic of ‘American Football’.
I have opted not to spend my thousand words going over the rules to the sport, nor will I be recounting the history of the sport in North America. I want to have some fun with this, so instead I’m going to mine the web-wide world to learn some stuff I don’t already know, and that others might find at least mildly interesting.
Oh, I’ll also try to refrain from taking up too much space on how much I hate the New England Patriots. But for the record, the answer is “lots”. After yesterday’s game, “lots” plus “lots more.”
I’m going to start with the Ironmen. These guys were a different breed of athlete – they played offense and defence, resting only at halftime or when they blacked out from exhaustion. Chuck Bednarik was the most recent regular member of both casts on his team, pulling this off in 1960 for the Philadelphia Eagles. That year, he not only knocked Frank Gifford on his ass (and off the field for a year of recovery), he also made the game-saving tackle against Green Bay in the championship game. Before him there was Mel Hein, who played every minute of every game for the New York Giants for fifteen years, 1931 to 1945. To put that into context… no, there really is no context for that. I don’t think any player in any sport has pulled that off since. My muscles hurt just writing about it.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play a home game, the stadium usually fills to capacity, making it – the stadium – the third-largest city in the state of Nebraska.
The Green Bay Packers, named after Indian Packing Company who supplied the uniforms and equipment for the start-up team in 1919, are the only publicly-owned professional sports franchise in the country. Stock ownership does not guarantee season ticket privileges, and last I heard, the wait to snag a guaranteed seat to eight home games in chilly Lambeau Field was around thirty years. This makes my comfortable high-def TV even more attractive.
The Packers-Bears rivalry may be the oldest in the NFL, but neither team can be called the oldest team in the league. That title actually goes to the Arizona Cardinals, who started out as the Morgan Athletic Club in 1898, moved to Racine Avenue in 1901 and re-named themselves the Racine Cardinals when they bought used red uniforms from the University of Chicago. In all that time, they won two league championships, in 1925 and 1947. That’s twice in 113 years. Nice.
The Cleveland Browns are known for their end zone fans, who are either rowdy assholes or enthusiastic celebrants, depending on which team you support. They call the section behind the east end zone the Dawg Pound because those are the cheap seats, and those without a great view deserve a great nickname. It started in 1985, when cornerback Hanford Dixon called his defence “The Dawgz” to inspire them (which it clearly did, since they were within 5 points of a Super Bowl appearance in two of the next three years). Now, the fans who sit there wear ridiculous bulldog masks and engage in drunken revelry, which includes throwing dog food, Milkbones, and batteries at opposing teams.
The Baltimore Colts were the first team to bring in cheerleaders, in 1960. In 1972 the Dallas Cowboys tried using models as cheerleaders, but gave up when it was discovered that the two professions do not rely on the same skill set. Professional dancers were brought in instead.
As anyone who has tried to watch television over the last two weeks is aware, there seems to be more college Bowl games than there are colleges in the US. There are really only five that matter: the Rose Bowl, the Orange Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl, the Sugar Bowl, and the BCS Championship. These are played by the highest-ranked teams in the various conferences around the country. Other games worth watching include the Ten-Pin Bowl, the Incredi Bowl, the Blindfolded & Drunk Bowl, and of course the Olive Garden Endless Breadsticks and Bottomless Soup Bowl.
Footballs have never been made out of pigskin. In the long-ago past, some soccer balls were made from pig bladders (usually empty, but there was that face-full-o-pee incident during the World Cup finals in 1930), but footballs have always been made from cowhide.
The smallest player in NFL history was 5’1” and 119 pounds. He played for the Staten Island Stapletons back in 1929, as a… no, really, he was a blocking back. I imagine he was even more hapless than Harold Lloyd on a football field. By that I mean he had absolutely no hap.
The NFL Network likes to air some of the best Super Bowls in history in the weeks leading up to the big game, but you’ll probably never see Super Bowl I. It was taped by NBC and CBS, but neither network kept the footage of the game. Every episode of Third Rock From The Sun is, however, intact. Where is the justice?
Howard Cosell, the Monday Night Football announcer whose voice I associate with my earliest memories of the game, was so intoxicated during a 1970 broadcast, he vomited on fellow broadcaster Don Meredith at halftime. I’d like to see Cris Collinsworth throw up on Al Michaels one Sunday night. That would be ratings gold.
It seems appropriate to end with Mr. Irrelevant. This is the title bestowed upon the last player picked in the NFL draft every year, despite that player being still more relevant than the hundreds of other guys who didn’t get drafted at all. Most of these players accomplish little or nothing in the NFL, though two names do stand out. Ryan Succop (2009) wound up becoming the starting kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs, and tied the record for the highest field goal percentage by a rookie kicker. Bill Kenney (1978) also ended up with the Chiefs, and played so well in the 1983 season he was invited to the Pro Bowl in Honalulu. This year’s winner, Cheta Ozougwu, played in the pre-season for the Houston Texans, but he isn’t on their roster today. It’s entirely possible he’s working at a drive-thru window somewhere in the greater Houston area, I don’t know.
I’d like to extend a hearty thank you to Ms. Random Article Generator for bestowing a fun subject on me this weekend. While I’m sure tomorrow may bring restitution in the form of some obscure insect species, I’ll tune in to today’s games feeling just slightly more… I don’t know, relevant?
1000 Albums, 1000 Dates 